Preach. Teach. Learn.

What an interesting month this has been.

Someone I worked with quit last week. It was epic. I'm sure you are wondering why I would ever write about her in a blog. I'm kind of wondering that myself. She was one of those people that would be real nice to your face and then stab you in the back if you weren't careful. Just downright hateful sometimes. She drove me nuts. I still can't figure out how you can work somewhere for two years and still not know how to write an order properly. I even broke it down Crayola style for this lady. On top of that, how can you sit somewhere and not do anything for hours at a time? How can you argue with someone when they are showing you the right way to do something and you KNOW this is the right way to do it?! It's like we would say "the sky is blue" and she would say "no, the sky is pink". It still blows my mind.

The saying stands true though..."some people come into your life as a blessing while some come into your life as a lesson." She was a lesson, for sure. Things with her didn't start out horrible. I was actually really hopeful that she was going to work out. Then about a year ago, things changed with her. She started to be mean and hateful in the things she did. It's hard. It's hard to not dish it back to her and it's hard to let it not control your emotions. I will gladly admit that I dished it back and let it control my emotions. After all, you reap what you sow, right? Right. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I shouldn't let this hateful woman bother me. I killed her with kindness and it drove her up a wall. There were times that I did dish her hatefulness right back to her. I am human, after-all.

I have learned that if you do good, you'll feel good. Life is too short to be petty over things. There is no need to be rude or ugly or hateful. Have a good attitude on life. Of course we all have bad days but we have to remember that it's exactly that. Just a bad day...not a bad life. If you want change, change has to start with YOU first. You have to be willing to accept the change. Overthinking will ruin things and make things worse than they actually are. Stop the glorification of busy and LIVE a little. The laundry can wait another day...go to the park and swing or something. Go people watch. Just go do something. Keep a smile on your face...you NEVER know when it could cheer someone up. It's the little things, yall. The little things that make this terrible world a much better place. 

Lord knows I need to practice what I preach. I'm learning, though, I'm learning.

thankful

Have you ever met someone and your life changed for the better? It happened to me this year. The things I have learned about myself this year, partly because of this person, blows my mind. I've said it before but it's totally worth saying again: "It's funny how day by day, nothing changes. But, when you look back, everything is different." It's one of those things....sometimes, I stop and think "how in the world did I make it this far living like this?!" It's funny how things work out...

I wish I could really explain to him just how much he means to me. How awesome, smart, exciting, passionate, and amazing he is. He never believes it. Sometimes it's sad to me that he doesn't see those things. But then I am reminded that once upon a time, until just recently, I didn't see those things about myself. And if I did, I didn't believe them. Society and those who are close to us has a weird way of messing those up for us. We all have our own demons to battle. There's another saying that is something along the lines of "If everyone put their problems into a pile and saw what everyone is struggling with, we'd go back and get our own problems". We have to be willing to let the past make us better...not bitter. That is something I'm still learning. I can't beat myself up for something that happened to me in high school or college. I have to learn to accept that it happened and let it go. Sometimes, I have no problems with that but other times...it's like facing a fate worse than death.

One of these days he'll finally believe me, the same way I finally believe him.

I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

my oh my

I am such a slacker at this blog. I miss writing. It's always so nice to get stuff out....even my silly little thoughts that make me giggle.

Lots has happened since I last wrote. Patience finally paid off and I now have health insurance. Praise God for that. I was sick for 30 days this summer with no insurance. THIRTY DAYS. It was horrible and at some points, I was fairly certain I was dying. Between my regular doctor and my dermatologist, in those 30 days, I was at the doctor 4 times. I was on 2 different antibiotics (one gave me an lovely allergic reaction). It was also about 9,000 degrees hotter than the surface of the sun so on top of dying, I had a horrible heat rash at the same time as an allergic reaction. It was epic. My motto in those 30 days was "go big or go home". I'm still trying to figure out how I came up with the $500+ I spent between doctor visits and medicine and orange juice. I wish I lived somewhere more tropical so I could grow my own oranges. The health insurance is amazing. I had two wellness check ups and I haven't had to pay anything. It was a huge weight lifted.

My last post was about going to school. Like I said, I was dying incredibly sick this summer. That put a wrench in my plans. Between money and having to preregister, I never got around to it. The more I started thinking about it, the more I decided that this isn't the right time for me to go back right now. Maybe one day I will. But for now, I'm pretty happy with things. The office is moving and I'm already over it. February will be here soon enough! It's worth it because it's in a much safer/nicer part of town. I just have to remember that it'll work out. We will be gone for a week in January for our yearly tradeshow we attend and we start moving stuff around the time we leave for Vegas and then come back to start moving everything into the new office. It'll be intense. But like I said...it's gonna work out.

Hopefully, I will start writing more here.

School

I am going back to school.

Yes, you read that right. I have decided it’s time that I do something else in life. I’ve grown restless. I feel like I’m stuck at a job with a glass ceiling. There is nowhere else for me to go other than back to school. I have always wanted to be a nurse. So while I was off last week, I had an appointment with Baptist School of Nursing here in Memphis to discuss what it would take for me to get into their program. OMW. It was overwhelming just going downtown to meet with them but then I heard what all I needed to do and it scared the hell out of me. But, I know this is what I want to do. SO. Here I am, almost 27 and I’m going back to school. I need to take a few more core classes (ie: nutrition, A&P and its lab, Microbiology, and a few others) to help raise my GPA to make me more competitive. I can take them at the local community college and the good news is, they will all transfer to Baptist! Plus, it’ll help me out when I start the program. It’ll just be a few less classes I need to take. I hope to start those in the fall at night. I’ll have to keep working to pay off my debt and to keep paying all my bills. I’m looking to start in the fall of 2013 or maybe spring of 2014. If I can take the classes I want to at Northwest, then he said I should be able to start right in with the nursing program. It’ll be a trimester of their prep classes and then starts clinical trimesters. It should take me 2-3 years to complete the program…depending on the track I take. They have a “day school track” and a “night/weekend school track”. I’m hoping they accept me into the “night/weekend school track” so I can keep working full time.

So that’s where I’m at right now. It’s scary. It’s overwhelming. But mostly, it’s exciting. 

I can’t wait.

Life lessons from UPS, yall.

The UPS guy that likes me delivered today. Here's the conversation:

Bryce: "Well hello Ms Vicki!!!"
Vicki: "Hello Bryce"
B: "Where do you want me to put the boxes?"
V: "The table will be fine."
B: "Where is Mr. Irving today? Is he working?"
V: "Hell, I don't know where he is! I've been getting caught up from being off last week."
B: "OH you were on vacation?! How was it?"
V: "No, mom had brain surgery and I was in a wedding on Saturday so I took last week off"
B: "SO sorry to hear about your mom. If I recall, haven't you been in several weddings?"
V: "Yes, quite a few."
B: "So when will it be your turn to get married?"
V: "I'm not sure." I wanted to be all "ARE YOU ASKING?!"
B: "Well, whoever the lucky guy is will be the luckiest guy in the world"
V: "Well thank you, Bryce"
B: "You are an amazing and beautiful woman!"
V: "I'm not a stop along the way....I'm the destination"
B: "Well, they always say good things come to those who wait and I really do think you have something big and amazing coming your way, Ms. Vicki. I really do believe it."

Then he had to go. Life lessons from UPS, yall.

so it goes

I am distraught right now. These last few weeks have been really trying on me.

I have so much to say but I can't figure out how to put it into words.

welcome to the south, yall.

I saw that and knew exactly what I needed to write about.

I used to hate living in Mississippi. I'll be honest. I would wonder what I did to get stuck in this hell hole. And if I'm being really honest, sometimes I still wonder that. Mostly because of the town I live in and the pressure people put on you to get married and have babies. But yeah, I used to hate this place. I'm not sure what exactly changed my mind about liking it. Slowly over the years, I've grown to like this place and it's now where I call home. It's too hard to explain to people that I was born in Germany because dad was in the Army and I lived on a gated Army base for the first 7 years of my life....because then I get asked if I have a green card and I have to be ugly to people. So I just say that I am from Mississippi and if I'm out of town, people start talking to me slow. But now, I couldn't imagine living anywhere but the south. I love the slow pace. When I go out of town, I'm usually wanting to come back by day 3. I miss this place when I'm somewhere other than the south. And with that being said, if I ever leave Mississippi, it'll be for Nashville. Seriously, yall.

No truer words have been spoken about the south than what was said in the picture above. Especially about summer starting in April (it normally runs until October). This year, summer started in March. After a long hot summer last year, we had approximately 5 weeks of winter. No joke. It snowed Thanksgiving weekend and was chilly in December. January rolled around and spring was here by the time I got back from Vegas. I mean, we did see days where it'd be about 40 for the high and people broke out their marshmallow winter jackets but then the next day was bright and sunny and 60 again. Then March came. March is such an interesting month for us. You never know what will happen and by that I mean one thing: Tornadoes. Normally, March and April battle it out for the stormiest month of the year. Last year, March and April were pretty stormy but April won that battle. So this year, I was half expecting tornadoes all month. Instead, it was the warmest month on record. And we actually had to the turn the air on for about a week. And now, here we are halfway through April and my heat rash has already started. For those who aren't aware, I have a lot of allergies. Apparently the sun and heat are one of them. I'm not real sure. All I know is that this sucks. My dermatologist just tells me to stay inside as much as possible and normally, I can do that. In the "actual" summer, I can walk to my car or the mail box and get a sunburn and break out in heat rash. But it's April for crying out loud! I shouldn't be worried about getting heat rash in freaking April! I mean, wtf?! I need to go buy stock in sun screen now. It's going to be a long, hot summer. And unless you know what it's like to spend a hot Saturday in the delta of Mississippi, I don't want to hear about hot. The temperature may say 95 but once you add in the humidity and all that mess, it's really about 115. We have an oppressive heat. The kind that sucks the breath out of you when you walk outside. Some friends of mine actually baked cookies in their car last August. Not even lying.

Welcome to the south, yall.

Everything is different

I really need to get back in the habit of writing. I always feel better after I write.

Lent is over. Most of you may know that I gave up complaining and bitterness to get me in a better place in life. I stumbled across a quote last week that speaks volumes of my life right now:

"It's funny how day by day, nothing changes. But when you look back, everything is different."

EVERYTHING is different. Everything is different for the better. Change is never easy. I felt like I had to tear myself apart to put me back together again. And, I have to say, I have never been happier. I honestly didn't think it would work. When I was challenged to do this, I said yes but didn't think it'd be done this quickly. Don't get me wrong, everyday is still a battle. Sometimes, it's worse than others. But, I choose to get out of bed everyday and face the world. I can't keep hiding from some crazy fear that was partly made up in my head. That's insane to keep living like that. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and build your wings on the way down. I really hope this is all making sense. I can sit here and explain it all day long but I can't make people understand it. At least it all makes sense to me, because at this point, that's all that matters anymore.

From this point forward, I'm going to take everything with a grain of salt and keep on keeping on. While I do value peoples opinions, most of the time, I don't ask for them. I have to live my own life. Make my own mistakes. I'm my own hero. I have great parents and a great sister. So for right now, all I need is a friend. Someone who will sit here and listen to me and be happy for me. That's all I'm asking. Just be a friend. Don't judge. Don't hate. Don't say mean things to me or about me. Just love me for me. And remember that I'm not beautiful like you...I'm beautiful like me.

Also? I'd like to share this and challenge yall to it. It's pretty much what I did for Lent.

http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/

It's just the start

(This is what I wrote in my journal last night. I hadn't written in it since March 1st. I feel more at peace with things right now. I have got to keep writing. I always feel so much better afterwards.)


It's been far too long since I've written. So much has happened in the last 18 days. Mostly good. I'm learning to let go of a ton of crap in life. Most if it is petty and I'm not quite sure why I let it try to control me. I guess it's just part of who I am. I've spent quite a bit of time with family lately and I think it's what I needed. Plus, we were at the beach. I think I just needed time in a beautiful place to clear my head. I feel steady peace creeping back into my life. I haven't had that in quite a while. Having some kind of peace always helps! For a while, I kept getting this terrible, overwhelming feeling in me. It's hard to explain. When it happened, I would just want to hit something until it felt as bad as I did at that exact moment. I finally had to realize that by doing that,nothing would be solved. My life wouldn't be any better. It's kind of like worrying-worrying is like a rocking chair, it gets you nowhere, it just gives you something to do. Lots of other stuff has happened and in the process of watching this unfold and seeing how people react, it only makes me want to strive to be outgoing and different in a good way. I don't want to head down that same path and if something doesn't change soon, I am on a fast track for a life I don't want. I'm glad I can realize that now. God is so good to me. My family is my rock and my friends are my saving grace. I hope they know how much they mean to me. My life is pretty awesome...it's just time for me to believe that.

It's just the start.

overwhelmed

I just got back from a lovely 4 day trip to the beach. I wish I could do that once a month. It was so nice to get away for a few days.

I'm picking myself apart again. Driving home yesterday, I got this horrible overwhelmed feeling. I can't explain it. It's been so hard. I have peace but I'm not okay sometimes. Sometimes, I wish I could just hit something until it feels as bad as I do inside.

I need a hobby. Like...painting. Or something.

life goes on

there are things that we don't to happen but have to accept,

things we don't want to know but have to learn,

and people who we can't live without but have to let go.

and life goes on.

Word.

Yall, it's Monday. But the sun is shining bright this morning so that gives me hope that it'll be a good week! The week is only as good as I allow it to be and I'm determined to make it a good one!

Here is some things that have made me smile this morning:

"The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having is definitely worth waiting..."

Lord, I needed that today!

"If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?"

OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I definitely wouldn't keep that type of person in my life. Something to strive for today. I am way too hard on myself, especially with all that has been going on the last few weeks.

And last, but most certainly not least, I was talking to one of my very best friends this morning and she said that there is NO sense in creating problems just so you can worry about them. WORD. I do that way too much and I need to stop.

I can't say this enough...I am SO thankful for my amazing friends. They have truly been my saving grace.

good days/bad days

The last few days and weeks have been rather interesting for me. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. God is trying so hard to teach me patience. I wish I could learn RIGHT NOW to be patient and listen to Him. But, I don't do patient. I never have. I'm trying, though. I really, really am.

My appetite is finally back. These last few weeks I went from eating normally to barely eating anything at all. I worked myself back up to eating half meals and now, this weekend, I've finally started eating full meals again. I had myself all worked up into some insane tizzy and such a state of anxiousness, that I couldn't eat. The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. My sleep is getting better. I've been able to sleep without my white noise app the last week or so. It's funny how when something happens, it turns your entire life upside down. It's not been just one thing that's done it this time. It's been everything. Here we are like...9 weeks into the new year and sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. But I know that things get harder before they get better. I know that I will be okay before too long. Woulda, coulda, shoulda...hindsight is always 20/20.

I have good days and I have bad days. It's always funny to me how I can be doing just fine one minute and the next, something happens and it knocks me down. Overwhelms me to the point that I just want to cry hysterically for a few minutes and then I pick up and move on. Then, I sit there and laugh at myself because of what just happened.

If I've learned anything over the last few weeks, it's been that I have some truly amazing friends and I am SO thankful for them.

Everything is gonna be alright.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned starting counseling. Last Wednesday was the first time going. It was hard. It was emotionally draining. It was completely exhausting. But, it was completely worth it. I had such a huge sense of relief afterwards. I am so glad that I went. For Lent, I have decided to give up my bitterness and complaining. I'm also taking up writing in a journal. I may share some of the entries here but I haven't decided. She told me that I need to let go of stuff in the past. It happened, there is nothing I can do to change it now so I just need to move along with life and let it go. I need to let is refine me to be a better person. I've slowly been working on it. I have a lot of people praying for me and I can really feel it working for the better. My life is slowly getting better. It's so hard for me to explain...like I can explain it to people all day long, I just can't make them understand it. That part is frustrating sometimes. But maybe no one needs to understand it. I have constantly been reminded over these last few weeks of what an amazing group of friends I have. Ones who stop and listen. Ones who go out with me at the drop of a hat. And ones who just text to make sure I'm okay. I love them more then they'll ever know.

As for the open letter I wrote yesterday, the douchecanoe and I attempted to date in January. He is a really great guy, I will give him that. Great guy, wrong time apparently. He just went about everything the wrong way when he ended things, which makes him a douchecanoe for now. They say people come into your life as a blessing and some come in as a lesson. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he was. I think he's both. I thought I had everything tucked away and hidden so perfectly (to the point that I fooled even those nearest and dearest to me) yet, he saw right through it. I'm thankful for the time that we had together because I finally saw and felt what true happiness was. I know now that I deserve that ALL the time. And thanks to him, I can finally say that I am beautiful and sexy and actually believe myself. He showed me and proved it to me. Call me crazy, but I can't thank him enough for that. I know you guys may not approve of me saying anything I just did, but it's how I'm able to process it now. It's bringing me peace and I need peace right now. One day this pain will make sense to me and happiness will follow. I found a quote that has helped me a lot the last few days: "It's hard to see the day by day of things but trust me, God has a reason for everything. Your story matters and one day, that story is going to matter to someone else."

"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe." Believe-Yellowcard

An open letter

Dear douchecanoes of the world,

Let me start out by saying that you play a great game. I mean really, you say all the right things at the right times for a week or two. Make women start to fall for you. Maybe you take them out. Maybe you invite them over, spend the day watching movies and talking about life while snuggling on the couch and in your super soft bed. However you do it, you do it good. You make it look flawless.

Then, it happens. You realize you are starting to fall for her. OH, THE HORROR! God forbid you find a fucking awesome woman. You know...the kind who wants to gets married and stay home and have your 4 babies and be the housewife she has always dreamed of being. (You may or may not have kind of sorta promised her that already. Please see the previous paragraph) And what do you do? Panic. Naturally. I would imagine this is like fight or flight mode for you. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures. And being the douchecanoe that you are, you think of what could possibly hurt the worst. Your choice? Ignoring her for a fucking week. Like, you go out of your way to ignore her. Forget the fact that she has asked you 3 times this week to meet up for lunch. Forget the fact that the friends that set you two up, specifically told you that she has had nothing but horrible relationships so be patient with her. And the most important thing to forget? HER FEELINGS.

So once she has probably made a completely fool out of herself and sent you an email explaining why the way she is and listing out every fucking insecurity she has, you stoop to the next lowest level possible. Blame it ALL on her. Gold star for you, douchecanoe. Yes, you blame it all on her and her insecurities. I mean, sure we all have them but ohhhh nooooo, not to her extent. You make it seem like she is some meek, soft-spoken woman but in reality, if you had gotten to know her a little better, you would have seen she was the exact opposite. "Your insecurities are running your life" and "You need to have more confidence" is what you tell her. Because, you know, the week you fucking ignored her really did a number on her. You simply made it about a million times worse.

Overall, she may have been pretty insecure. She may have needed that push to get the help she needed. But ultimately, she never asked you to fix her. She never wanted you to fix her. She just simply wanted you to love her for her and you couldn't handle that. You get an A++ for showing her just how much you couldn't handle. She is going to be A-OKAY soon enough. She'll keep moving forward. She is going to show the world what she is made of. And quite frankly, she'll be the best thing you never have. And there you'll be...still being a douchecanoe.

Fuck you, asshat, I was worth it.

I braved a hundred storms to leave you

Things have been rather crazy lately. Insecurities. Emotional breakdowns. Doctor appointments. Fear that I have completely failed at life. Realizing that my "guy picking" skills are unparalleled to anyone I have ever met. It never fails though...I have a 20 minute conversation with a dear friend and I'm completely grounded again and reminded that I should "let go and let GOD." I'm reminded that I am completely selfish and I have NO idea how exactly good I have it right now. It drives me insane that I can't see it but others can. When did I get all wrapped up and into me? I guess that's just a flaw in everyone.

I've decided that I need help working through my insecurities. I've been trying to fix them for a while. Yes, I have worked through a few and they are better. I'm such a stronger person than I was 6 months, 12 months, 24 months ago. But, I know that I can be better. I can be more confident in things that I do. I can't keep letting these things keep me from becoming who I want to be and who I deserve to be. I'm SO tired of being knocked down. I won't stand for it anymore. I need to find my ground and stand firmly on it. I have to face the demons of my past and knock them down. I have to learn to let go of things. I have to learn to process it all. I have to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve.

I am looking forward to start my "counseling" and to see where it brings me.

The Traveling Red Dress

I've been following "The Bloggess" after discovering Beyonce, the giant metal chicken. She is pretty hilarious. Anyway, she started "The Traveling Red Dress". It's so inspiring to me. I had to share.

Start here:
http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/

Now read this:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-traveling-red-dress-revisited/

And of course, the FB page:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Traveling-Red-Dress/150889871693313

SO, I think I'm going to find me a red dress and I've just emailed my favorite local photographer and I think I'm going to do a photoshoot. I have so many insecurities and daily stresses and struggles that I think it'd be a good way to boost my confidence.

Laugh

My name is Vicki and I laugh at really inappropriate things.

This usually also happens at really inappropriate times. You know, like at work when it's quiet, the doctors office with the front desk bitch being all judgey, and also, at church.

Here are two of my current favorite blogs to laugh at when I have nothing better to do:

http://ohnoa.com/

http://thebloggess.com/

Enjoy it. And laugh. You know it's funny.

Be Proud.

I've always been one to apologize. For everything. Even if it wasn't my fault. I'm not quite sure why I do that, but I do. It was bluntly brought to my attention last night and I'm quite thankful that it was. I tried to pass it off as a flaw but he saw right through it. I can't do that anymore. I can't keep being sorry for the way things are or the way I am. I shouldn't be sorry for things that aren't my fault. Hell, I shouldn't be sorry for things that ARE my fault. I need to be proud of myself. I need to stop letting people walk all over me. That's not who I am. It drives me insane that I sit so quietly and let people do it. I have no idea why I do but it has to stop. Like...it has to stop TODAY. I shouldn't be ashamed of anything in my life because it's made me who I am.I realize that this probably all over then place and contradicts itself completely, but right now, that's how I roll. All great changes were preceded by chaos. And Lord knows my life was insane over the summer. I'm finally at a happy point in life. Yes, there are things that I need to change but I'm happy. And that's all that ever matters to me.

I believe

*I believe in fresh starts.
*I believe I should call it like I see it more often.
*I believe I'll never know how to not think everything is my fault.
*I believe laughter is the best medicine. No joke. Go read a Chelsea Handler book and tell me how you feel afterwards.
*I believe a night out with the girls can make everything okay. And I have the best friends to go out with.
*I believe in "go big or go home".
*I believe that people should "let go and let GOD".
*I believe you can't fix everything OR everyone, for that matter.
*I believe "Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same" (by the frey)
*I believe in singing like it's nobody's business in my car. Nothing like pulling up to a light and signing your little heart out and the people next to you smile.
*I believe in smiling. Two things happen: 1. People smile back OR 2. They start to wonder what you are plotting.
*I believe in loving myself...curves and all.
*I believe that the happiest girls are truly the prettiest girls.
*I believe almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
*I believe in not judging people by their pasts cause they don't live there anymore.
*I believe in regretting nothing. You did it so own it.
*I believe that people throw rocks at things that shine. Thank you, Taylor Swift for those lyrics.
*I believe that I have finally found peace. It's been a long time coming but I'm there. And for the first time in a while, I can say I'm finally happy with where I am in life.