A couple of posts ago, I mentioned starting counseling. Last Wednesday was the first time going. It was hard. It was emotionally draining. It was completely exhausting. But, it was completely worth it. I had such a huge sense of relief afterwards. I am so glad that I went. For Lent, I have decided to give up my bitterness and complaining. I'm also taking up writing in a journal. I may share some of the entries here but I haven't decided. She told me that I need to let go of stuff in the past. It happened, there is nothing I can do to change it now so I just need to move along with life and let it go. I need to let is refine me to be a better person. I've slowly been working on it. I have a lot of people praying for me and I can really feel it working for the better. My life is slowly getting better. It's so hard for me to explain...like I can explain it to people all day long, I just can't make them understand it. That part is frustrating sometimes. But maybe no one needs to understand it. I have constantly been reminded over these last few weeks of what an amazing group of friends I have. Ones who stop and listen. Ones who go out with me at the drop of a hat. And ones who just text to make sure I'm okay. I love them more then they'll ever know.
As for the open letter I wrote yesterday, the douchecanoe and I attempted to date in January. He is a really great guy, I will give him that. Great guy, wrong time apparently. He just went about everything the wrong way when he ended things, which makes him a douchecanoe for now. They say people come into your life as a blessing and some come in as a lesson. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he was. I think he's both. I thought I had everything tucked away and hidden so perfectly (to the point that I fooled even those nearest and dearest to me) yet, he saw right through it. I'm thankful for the time that we had together because I finally saw and felt what true happiness was. I know now that I deserve that ALL the time. And thanks to him, I can finally say that I am beautiful and sexy and actually believe myself. He showed me and proved it to me. Call me crazy, but I can't thank him enough for that. I know you guys may not approve of me saying anything I just did, but it's how I'm able to process it now. It's bringing me peace and I need peace right now. One day this pain will make sense to me and happiness will follow. I found a quote that has helped me a lot the last few days: "It's hard to see the day by day of things but trust me, God has a reason for everything. Your story matters and one day, that story is going to matter to someone else."
"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe." Believe-Yellowcard
As for the open letter I wrote yesterday, the douchecanoe and I attempted to date in January. He is a really great guy, I will give him that. Great guy, wrong time apparently. He just went about everything the wrong way when he ended things, which makes him a douchecanoe for now. They say people come into your life as a blessing and some come in as a lesson. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he was. I think he's both. I thought I had everything tucked away and hidden so perfectly (to the point that I fooled even those nearest and dearest to me) yet, he saw right through it. I'm thankful for the time that we had together because I finally saw and felt what true happiness was. I know now that I deserve that ALL the time. And thanks to him, I can finally say that I am beautiful and sexy and actually believe myself. He showed me and proved it to me. Call me crazy, but I can't thank him enough for that. I know you guys may not approve of me saying anything I just did, but it's how I'm able to process it now. It's bringing me peace and I need peace right now. One day this pain will make sense to me and happiness will follow. I found a quote that has helped me a lot the last few days: "It's hard to see the day by day of things but trust me, God has a reason for everything. Your story matters and one day, that story is going to matter to someone else."
"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe." Believe-Yellowcard
"I know you guys may not approve of me saying anything I just did, but it's how I'm able to process it now."
ReplyDeleteThat's the beauty of your healing, we don't have to "approve". It's *YOUR* healing and you process in whatever way brings you the peace and comfort you need.
You are wonderfully and beautifully made, just remember that!