Word.

Yall, it's Monday. But the sun is shining bright this morning so that gives me hope that it'll be a good week! The week is only as good as I allow it to be and I'm determined to make it a good one!

Here is some things that have made me smile this morning:

"The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when you get it. Cause anything worth having is definitely worth waiting..."

Lord, I needed that today!

"If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?"

OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I definitely wouldn't keep that type of person in my life. Something to strive for today. I am way too hard on myself, especially with all that has been going on the last few weeks.

And last, but most certainly not least, I was talking to one of my very best friends this morning and she said that there is NO sense in creating problems just so you can worry about them. WORD. I do that way too much and I need to stop.

I can't say this enough...I am SO thankful for my amazing friends. They have truly been my saving grace.

good days/bad days

The last few days and weeks have been rather interesting for me. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. God is trying so hard to teach me patience. I wish I could learn RIGHT NOW to be patient and listen to Him. But, I don't do patient. I never have. I'm trying, though. I really, really am.

My appetite is finally back. These last few weeks I went from eating normally to barely eating anything at all. I worked myself back up to eating half meals and now, this weekend, I've finally started eating full meals again. I had myself all worked up into some insane tizzy and such a state of anxiousness, that I couldn't eat. The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. My sleep is getting better. I've been able to sleep without my white noise app the last week or so. It's funny how when something happens, it turns your entire life upside down. It's not been just one thing that's done it this time. It's been everything. Here we are like...9 weeks into the new year and sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. But I know that things get harder before they get better. I know that I will be okay before too long. Woulda, coulda, shoulda...hindsight is always 20/20.

I have good days and I have bad days. It's always funny to me how I can be doing just fine one minute and the next, something happens and it knocks me down. Overwhelms me to the point that I just want to cry hysterically for a few minutes and then I pick up and move on. Then, I sit there and laugh at myself because of what just happened.

If I've learned anything over the last few weeks, it's been that I have some truly amazing friends and I am SO thankful for them.

Everything is gonna be alright.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned starting counseling. Last Wednesday was the first time going. It was hard. It was emotionally draining. It was completely exhausting. But, it was completely worth it. I had such a huge sense of relief afterwards. I am so glad that I went. For Lent, I have decided to give up my bitterness and complaining. I'm also taking up writing in a journal. I may share some of the entries here but I haven't decided. She told me that I need to let go of stuff in the past. It happened, there is nothing I can do to change it now so I just need to move along with life and let it go. I need to let is refine me to be a better person. I've slowly been working on it. I have a lot of people praying for me and I can really feel it working for the better. My life is slowly getting better. It's so hard for me to explain...like I can explain it to people all day long, I just can't make them understand it. That part is frustrating sometimes. But maybe no one needs to understand it. I have constantly been reminded over these last few weeks of what an amazing group of friends I have. Ones who stop and listen. Ones who go out with me at the drop of a hat. And ones who just text to make sure I'm okay. I love them more then they'll ever know.

As for the open letter I wrote yesterday, the douchecanoe and I attempted to date in January. He is a really great guy, I will give him that. Great guy, wrong time apparently. He just went about everything the wrong way when he ended things, which makes him a douchecanoe for now. They say people come into your life as a blessing and some come in as a lesson. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly he was. I think he's both. I thought I had everything tucked away and hidden so perfectly (to the point that I fooled even those nearest and dearest to me) yet, he saw right through it. I'm thankful for the time that we had together because I finally saw and felt what true happiness was. I know now that I deserve that ALL the time. And thanks to him, I can finally say that I am beautiful and sexy and actually believe myself. He showed me and proved it to me. Call me crazy, but I can't thank him enough for that. I know you guys may not approve of me saying anything I just did, but it's how I'm able to process it now. It's bringing me peace and I need peace right now. One day this pain will make sense to me and happiness will follow. I found a quote that has helped me a lot the last few days: "It's hard to see the day by day of things but trust me, God has a reason for everything. Your story matters and one day, that story is going to matter to someone else."

"Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe." Believe-Yellowcard

An open letter

Dear douchecanoes of the world,

Let me start out by saying that you play a great game. I mean really, you say all the right things at the right times for a week or two. Make women start to fall for you. Maybe you take them out. Maybe you invite them over, spend the day watching movies and talking about life while snuggling on the couch and in your super soft bed. However you do it, you do it good. You make it look flawless.

Then, it happens. You realize you are starting to fall for her. OH, THE HORROR! God forbid you find a fucking awesome woman. You know...the kind who wants to gets married and stay home and have your 4 babies and be the housewife she has always dreamed of being. (You may or may not have kind of sorta promised her that already. Please see the previous paragraph) And what do you do? Panic. Naturally. I would imagine this is like fight or flight mode for you. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures. And being the douchecanoe that you are, you think of what could possibly hurt the worst. Your choice? Ignoring her for a fucking week. Like, you go out of your way to ignore her. Forget the fact that she has asked you 3 times this week to meet up for lunch. Forget the fact that the friends that set you two up, specifically told you that she has had nothing but horrible relationships so be patient with her. And the most important thing to forget? HER FEELINGS.

So once she has probably made a completely fool out of herself and sent you an email explaining why the way she is and listing out every fucking insecurity she has, you stoop to the next lowest level possible. Blame it ALL on her. Gold star for you, douchecanoe. Yes, you blame it all on her and her insecurities. I mean, sure we all have them but ohhhh nooooo, not to her extent. You make it seem like she is some meek, soft-spoken woman but in reality, if you had gotten to know her a little better, you would have seen she was the exact opposite. "Your insecurities are running your life" and "You need to have more confidence" is what you tell her. Because, you know, the week you fucking ignored her really did a number on her. You simply made it about a million times worse.

Overall, she may have been pretty insecure. She may have needed that push to get the help she needed. But ultimately, she never asked you to fix her. She never wanted you to fix her. She just simply wanted you to love her for her and you couldn't handle that. You get an A++ for showing her just how much you couldn't handle. She is going to be A-OKAY soon enough. She'll keep moving forward. She is going to show the world what she is made of. And quite frankly, she'll be the best thing you never have. And there you'll be...still being a douchecanoe.

Fuck you, asshat, I was worth it.

I braved a hundred storms to leave you

Things have been rather crazy lately. Insecurities. Emotional breakdowns. Doctor appointments. Fear that I have completely failed at life. Realizing that my "guy picking" skills are unparalleled to anyone I have ever met. It never fails though...I have a 20 minute conversation with a dear friend and I'm completely grounded again and reminded that I should "let go and let GOD." I'm reminded that I am completely selfish and I have NO idea how exactly good I have it right now. It drives me insane that I can't see it but others can. When did I get all wrapped up and into me? I guess that's just a flaw in everyone.

I've decided that I need help working through my insecurities. I've been trying to fix them for a while. Yes, I have worked through a few and they are better. I'm such a stronger person than I was 6 months, 12 months, 24 months ago. But, I know that I can be better. I can be more confident in things that I do. I can't keep letting these things keep me from becoming who I want to be and who I deserve to be. I'm SO tired of being knocked down. I won't stand for it anymore. I need to find my ground and stand firmly on it. I have to face the demons of my past and knock them down. I have to learn to let go of things. I have to learn to process it all. I have to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve.

I am looking forward to start my "counseling" and to see where it brings me.